This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize