I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
