If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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