matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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