Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Someone signed my nipple.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
