got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
