nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
