I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize