I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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