Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
