I'm passing your future prison.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
