Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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