fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize