I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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