life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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