Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I wear drunk well.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
