you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
