If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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