Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize