it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
