just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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