Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It was like getting head from an anaconda
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
