i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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