I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
True strength comes from lack of pants
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize