My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
