Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
