two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
