Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Oh god it's open bar.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
