its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
