I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
