I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
