Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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