You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
