my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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