Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
