i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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