God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
