I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Randomize
