Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize