I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So much rum. So many feels.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
