Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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