He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
