the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
