Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
