I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
