i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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