Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
