I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
