Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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