my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
