let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
