Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
