At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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