Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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