how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
