Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
