Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
