So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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