My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We need to get me chipped asap
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
